It’s been a hot second since I’ve posted on my blog, and I thought I’d pop on and share an update. The past few months have been crazy! I haven’t shared extensively on social media, but in the middle of releasing my book into the world, I’ve also been job searching. As the publicity went on for Longing for Motherhood, I grew weary. Each interview required so much emotional energy. I’d hang up the phone from a radio or podcast interview, and feel physically, spiritually and emotionally depleted. Don’t get me wrong, it’s the privilege of my life to talk about such a difficult topic, but it’s draining.
At the end of March, Michael and I found ourselves exhausted, and craving rest. Our desire was to leave D.C. for a few days to rest and refresh our bodies, hearts, minds and souls. We’ve been trying to stick to a budget and save for a future home and contribute to an adoption fund. Not wanting to break the bank, we turned to the Lord and poured our desires into His heart. We acknowledged that this was a want. We didn’t need to get away, but we desperately longed for respite. The Lord was so kind to us. He not only provided a free place to stay for an extended weekend, He also provided free transportation! (Michael and I don’t own a car in D.C.) Our hearts were deeply encouraged by the generosity and kindness of others, and of the Lord.
Our weekend away, at a little house on the river was filled with restorative rest. On our first night, I slept 12 hours straight! I think my body desperately needed rest. During our getaway, we ate, relaxed, talked, played games, read good books, and spent extended time with the Lord. The weekend was what our souls needed, and I had time to reflect on the previous month.
Wow – March was quite a month! My precious book released into the world! For months, I’d prayed that the words would encourage many readers. As soon as it released, my heart felt incredibly vulnerable. The book is intimate and personal. Because I share some of the most difficult stories about my life, I felt every praise or criticism deeply. A critique of the book felt like a critique on me and my story. The same went for the praise of the book. I felt myself getting swept up in the books success or failure. I was looking for affirmation that the words I’d written measured up – that they were enough – that I was enough.
For the past few months, I’ve been reading and meditating upon Psalm 23, but I hadn’t allowed the Psalm to study me – until recently.
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”
I’ve read those words a hundred times. But here I was, feeling scared about sharing my story with the world. It was out in the open, and I could no longer guard or protect it. The words of that verse describe who I want to be, but struggle to become. I often live in the shadow of the person I want to be.
“I shall not want.”
Snuggled in that little river house, I pondered those words.
“I shall not want.”
How do I teach my heart to live out those words? How do I wrap my needs and desires around that truth?
I found myself in prayer.
“Lord, I want to want only you. But if I’m honest, I don’t always rest fully and completely in you. I want to get to know you more intimately as my Shepherd, my Leader, my Protector, and my closest Friend.”
What gave David the ability to say, “I shall not want”?
David knew that the heart of God was the only place where all his worries would be quieted, all his fears would be calmed, all his longings would be satisfied, and all his restlessness would be stilled. In God’s presence, David didn’t have to want, because he had all he needed. All of our neediness is safe in our Shepherd’s arms. Every desire might not be met on earth; some of us will experience many unfulfilled longings. But we can rest, even in the midst of our suffering, because we know that our hearts don’t have to lack. We have a good Shepherd.
I’m learning that the Lord will care for the story I released into the world. It’s success or failure is in His hands. My heart is safe with Him.
As the book released, I took a step back from certain things, in order to rest. Any writing that’s been shared on social media was pre-written a few months ago. In stepping back, I’ve felt the freedom to write and create, without the pressure to immediately share. It’s also given me the space to dream and get creative. I’m excited to begin diving back into sharing – I have some fun ideas!
Thank you for sharing your heart. Just bought your book yesterday! Although I have two children, I have lost 6 babies in miscarriage. Thank you being quietly brave and confident in how the Lord is being glorified in your story as you walk with Him.
Congratulations on your book. Just wanted to encourage you about not worrying if your book is successful or not. You were obedient to God’s calling to share this longing and that is all that matters. If you help just one person the book will have been worth the struggle. If you don’t remember me, I am Elizabeth’s mom (a quad mate of your from Liberty. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your story!! It has been such a blessing to me already. I’m so excited about it!! We are going through it in our support group and I want to pass it out to everyone I know that is struggling with childlessness. My journey is going on 8 years!! But I’m saying “Amen” to what you shared!! I have found that rest!! Praise the Lord!! The Lord is using your story!! It is needed so much!! Thanks again!! And many blessings!!